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Need a Laugh?
 

 
 
 
Enjoy Some Great Jokes & Videos!
 
 
 
Greg Grebe
WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
 
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: 
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: 
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: 
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
 
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: 
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: 
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : 
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: 
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: 
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: 
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: 
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: 
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
 
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: 
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: 
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: 
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
 
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, 
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
 
 
Greg Grebe
 
 
 
Greg Grebe

AMBIGUITY & IDIOSYNCRASIES


 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS

THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.


2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE

MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS

WHERE  ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.


 

 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH

HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,

IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING

AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE

WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT

TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER

PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
"ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ

AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

 
Dick Marsh

God Bless the Digital Age!

 

 Text to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.  I’ve got a confession to make.  I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.  At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.  The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.  In fact, probably much more than you.  I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.  The temptation was just too great.  I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.  Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. 

Regards, Richard

 

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him.  He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.  Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

 

Second text message from neighbor:

Hi, Fred.  Richard here again.  Sorry about the typo on my last text.  I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”!  Ain’t technology great?  It’ll be the death of us all. 

Regards, Richard

 
Greg Grebe

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...

It's hard to say provocative things when most of our kids and leaders today have a vocabulary based on vulgarity.

These insults are from an era “before” the language got boiled down to just repeating the same 4-letter words.
   


A member of Parliament to Disraeli:   "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” ​  

“That depends, Sir, "   said Disraeli,   "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."   


“He had delusions of adequacy ."

​-Walter Kerr   


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." ​

- Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

​ -Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." 

-Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."​  

-Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Sir Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."  

-Sir Winston Churchill, in response


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."  

-Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ​ 

-Irvin S. Cobb
 
   
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." ​ ​

-Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand 


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ​

-Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." 

-Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." ​ ​

-Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." 

-Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."​ 

-Groucho Marx

 
Greg Grebe

In early December, four of Santa's elves got sick. When the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa began to feel some Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus mentioned that her Mother was coming to visit, stressing Santa even more.

 

He went to harness the reindeer, and found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had gotten loose and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then, when he began  load-testing the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked;  the bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went back in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

 

Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He got the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom

 

Just then the doorbell rang.  An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, only to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The Angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

  

Not a lot of people know this

You're welcome

 
Dick Marsh
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, “What’s in the bag?” The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.

“Where on earth did you get that ?” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.” Said the genie.

The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?”
 
Greg Grebe
Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. 
How many of these do you remember ????
1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.  My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.  My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
 "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age,  you'll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be shared with the “over 60 crowd” because the younger ones may not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
 
PS...the author forgot one: "Eat your lima beans! People are starving in China!!"
 

 
 
Greg Grebe
1960 Hits Renamed

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.  

They include : 
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
  
Ringo Starr ---
  I Get By With A Little Help From Depends  
 
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? 
 
Roberta Flack---  
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face  
    
Johnny Nash ---  
I Can't See Clearly Now 

Paul Simon--- 
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver 
  
The Commodores --- 
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom  
 
Procol Harem---
  A Whiter Shade Of Hair  
 
Leo Sayer ---  
You Make Me Feel Like Napping  

The Temptations ---  
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba--- 
Denture Queen   
 
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall  
 
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore  
 
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure,   and I'll Cry If I Want To 
 
And Last , but NOT least:  
 
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
     
 
Dick Marsh
 
Sad news from Minnesota.......
 
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.
 
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs .Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins. Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
 
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
 
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass the link to this page on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.
 
   
Ron Marguglio
Mensa Convention

There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Dick Marsh
 
Shared by
Dick Marsh
Understanding Engineers
 
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
                 And ...
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
 
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
 
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,
"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress. 
 
Shared by
Bill Olmo
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
 
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido:"Where's the money?"
 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
 
The lawyer tells the Godfather:"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
 
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
 
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?"
 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 
   
Shared By

Dan Poulin
 
Subject:  A Senior trying to set password
 
WINDOWS: Please enter your new  password.  
 
USER: cabbage    
 
   
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password  must be more than 8 characters.  
 
USER: boiled  cabbage  
 
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must  contain 1 numerical character.   
 
USER: 1 boiled  cabbage  
 
  
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot  have blank spaces.   
 
USER:  50damnboiledcabbages
   
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must  contain at least one upper case character.
 
USER:  50DAMNboiledcabbages   
 
   
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot  use more than one upper case Character consecutively.    
 
USER:  50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!
  
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot  containpunctuation.
 
USER:ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow  
 
   
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is  already in use.

 
   
Shared by
Greg Grebe

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT
 
 
1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!
 
2.
On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!
 
3.
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
 
4.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
 
5.
Sing along at The Opera.
 
6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
 
7.
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
 
8.
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....’
 
9.
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
 
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite:
 
10.
Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
 
 
 
 
   
Shared By
Dan Poulin

SOME OF THE BEST CADDY JOKES
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a Coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." 
 
Shared By
Dick Marsh
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.


 When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as  fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

 Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa  even more.

 He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give  birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag  fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 Frustrated,Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

 In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into  hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.   He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end  of the broom.

 Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely  day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 Not a lot of people know this
 
Greg Grebe
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."  I'm old, tired, and I pee a lot.
 
 
My first drink with my son
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time
 
I took my son out for his first drink. 
 
Off we went to our local bar which was only a couple blocks from the house. 
 
I started him a Bud Light.  He didn't like it – so I drank it. 
 
Then I got him a Corona, he didn't like it, so I drank it also. 
 
It was the same with the Killians and Guiness Stout. 
 
By the time we quit sampling whiskeys, I could hardly push his stroller back home.

 
 
 
 
 
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
 
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Rose. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Rose to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
 
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
 
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rose. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
EDITOR'S NOTE:  Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Rose was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 
 
Dick Marsh
What's the difference between an old man and a young man?
 
 
Depends!
 
 
Dick Marsh
 
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

 
 
​
Joke Master
Greg Grebe
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Tim Horton's..
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift  this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

 "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled,"
   volunteered a third.   

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady!

“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"

said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
    
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
    
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
    
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as he slowly shook his head.
    
The others nodded in agreement...
 
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully... 
 
 "Thank God we can all still drive." 

 
 
Dan Poulin
 
Here is a new video for those of you with fond memories of those corporate conference calls that were such a joy! 
 
 
 
 
 
The female gorilla at the zoo is in heat and
there is no male gorilla to take care of the matter.
 
The zoo keeper is a little concerned so he goes to Bubba
who is working as a janitor at the zoo and says
would you have sex with the female gorilla for $200.
 
Bubba thinks for while and says yes under 3 conditions.
 
1. I don't have to kiss her
 
 
2. You never tell anyone about it and
 
 
3. You give me a week to come up with the money. 
   

 
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.  It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
 
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote!!!.' 

 
 
 
 
AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.
 
THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.
 
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING "HEY OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
 
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
 
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
 
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
 
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
 
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
 
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
 
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
 
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
 
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
 
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
 
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
 
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 
   
   
 
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
 
She said: I want to keep my house.  
He said: That's fine with me.
 
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
 
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
 

Dick Marsh
 
"A Norwegian gentleman named Sven was on his deathbed taking his last few breaths when he noticed a wafting odor of something good and with his last ounce of energy crawled out of bed and crawled down the stairs into the kitchen and saw a plate of warm sugar cookies and he crawled over and reached up and grabbed a cookie and his wife smacked his hand and said "Sven stop! Those are for the funeral!"