Funnies

Have you had your laugh today?

Nothing Better Than A Good Laugh!

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If there is a true “universal language,” it’s probably laughter. Think about it: every culture around the world values humor in one form or another, and appreciation for humor is expressed through laughter, which is often brought on involuntarily. It’s also true that laughter is good for the mind and body. After all, there is a reason why people say “laughter is the best medicine.”

People tend to associate laughter with togetherness and community, but when it comes to living life as a senior, laughter is often a bit more difficult to come by thanks to the conditions that many seniors find themselves in. Fortunately, family members and caregivers are available to lift the spirits of seniors who may be missing the personal connections that provided smiles and laughter in the past.

Here are five of the surprising benefits of laughter for seniors:

#1 — It Reduces Blood Pressure and Increases Blood Flow

With laughter comes a decrease in blood pressure, which is incredibly vital for seniors. It also stimulates an improvement in the flow of blood throughout the body, which is crucial for overall senior health.

#2 — Laughter Reduces Stress

Studies have shown that the so called “stress hormone” cortisol is found in lesser amounts in the bodies of those who laugh and experience happiness more frequently.

#3 — It Can Improve Memory

Because laughter reduces overall stress levels, it has a positive impact on the amount of stress that’s experienced by the brain. When the brain is stressed out, it uses up a ton of resources, but when it’s exposed to less cortisol and stress, it’s given the ability to heal itself better and continue to make room for memories.

#4 — Laughter Promotes Physical Fitness

Although it may not seem like great exercise, laughter engages virtually all of the body’s physical systems, including muscles and nerves. And when the body is engaged, it makes seniors feel good, which often leads to a greater interest in exploring even more healthy physical activity.

#5 — It Boosts the Immune System

All of the laughter benefits noted above combine to create conditions under which the body’s immune system can thrive. Improved wellbeing, better blood flow and increased oxygen intake all contribute to a healthier, stronger immune system, which, in turn helps seniors battle some of the common diseases and maladies that might otherwise darken their days and leave them in ill health.

So let's have a few laughs, shall we?

The setting is a small town. The florist has been in business for many years and is very successful because of the quality of his flowers and arrangements. One day he sees a small group of friars walking and studying the businesses. This makes him curious, since there isn’t a monastery anywhere nearby. Later, the mail carrier comes into his shop to deliver the mail. The florist asks about the friars; the mail carrier says that the friars are looking to open a business in the town. More importantly, they are looking to open a florist shop! This is VERY bad news; the town isn’t big enough for two florists to be successful. The next day, the friars are back and the florist goes to talk to them. They confirm what the florist was told. He explains that if they follow through, he will go out of business or they will go out of business or BOTH will go out of business. They are sympathetic but it’s clear they haven’t changed their minds. The next day, they are back and this time the head of their order is with them. The florist goes outside and respectfully begs the head of the order to reconsider. He will not. Later, the florist tells the mail carrier about his failed attempts. The mail carrier says he knows a man named Hugh who is very persuasive, and says he will ask Hugh to talk to the head friar. After two days, the florist doesn’t see the friars and day after day it’s the same. The florist asks the mail carrier, who confirmed that Hugh talked the head friar out of his plans. The message of the story is: Hugh, and ONLY Hugh, can prevent florist friars!!

Courtesy of Mike Sorensen

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said: “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said: “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat”.

The priest said: “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied: “Well after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all”.

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head.

“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat”!

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

"Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend SEX 3.0.

Good Luck

Tech Support

Courtesy of Mike Sorensen

Thanks to Mike Sorensen

Don't Hit The Ducks!

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course as often as they like, but he cautions that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?" "Yes" replies St. Peter, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then another quacks, and soon they are all quacking. It really ruins the tranquility. If you hit one of the ducks, you will be punished."

Upon starting their round of golf, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.

Within a few minutes, one of the guys hits a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked, and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted, "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them did.

The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand and said, "I told you not to hit the ducks. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

This worried the third man who then was extremely careful not to hit the ducks. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even hitting close to a duck. A few months pasted and he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man with a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and, without a word, handcuffed him to that gorgeous woman, and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

Thanks Joe Roberts

The Young Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed”.

Thanks Michael Sorensen

Bedtime prayer

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died…!

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma"

The next day the grandmother died…!

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.

Thanks Michael Sorensen

Refresher Course On Laws They Don't Teach In Physics Class . . .

1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! (Applies especially to auto mechanics.)

9.Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk

11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15.Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! ???? ????

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off

Really, I read it on the internet

thanks to Joe Roberts

COVID TESTING

1961 vs 2021

1966 : Long hair

2021 : Longing for hair

1966 : KEG

2021 : EKG

1966 : Acid rock

2021: Acid reflux

1966 : Moving to California because it's cool

2021 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2021 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966 : Seeds and stems

2021 : Roughage

1966 : Hoping for a BMW

2021 : Hoping for a BM

1966 : Going to a new, hip joint

2021 : Receiving a new hip joint

1966 : Rolling Stones

2021 : Kidney Stones

1966 : Screw the system

2021 : Upgrade the system

1966 : Disco

2021 : Costco

1966 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2021 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966 : Passing the drivers' test

2021 : Passing the vision test

1966 : Whatever

2021 : Depends

Thanks Greg Grebe

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week ... Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

Thanks Dick Marsh

Mama’s Birthday

One evening, four brothers, who had become very wealthy, prominent businessmen, were chatting together after dinner. They all attributed their success in life to their upbringing and discussed the lavish 95th birthday gifts they each gave their elderly mother to thank her for all she’d done for them.

The first said, "You know I had a huge new house built for Mama with all the latest conveniences and eight bedrooms and ten bathrooms; it is a thing if beauty!

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house with the largest screen and best sound system money can buy; it will hold up to fifty people in luxurious reclining seats made of the finest leather.

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her. It is equipped with every accessory available and was custom painted in her favorite color with matching leather upholstery; the finest vehicle Mercedes makes!

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were duly impressed.

After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks anyway.”

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you very much."

Love, Mama

Thanks Greg Grebe

Young Greg learns a valuable life lesson from his twin!

Thanks Greg Grebe

Talk about bureaucratic BS...

Thanks Joe Roberts

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
"PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT"

Now the Bishop reading this headline was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!"

The Bishop nearly fainted when he read the latest headlines....
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.

As you can guess, the paper had their last say on the matter with the following headline:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

The Bishop was buried the very next Monday.

The moral of the story is .. . .

being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shortening your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Thanks Greg Grebe

BA-a-a-a-a-a-a-d Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's
attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the
bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask
what the turkey did?"

And you thought there were no clean jokes left!

Thanks Joe Roberts

Grandpa Babysitting

Thanks Greg Grebe

Feeling a little crowded in the queue?

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Greg Grebe

Now That I'm Older...

1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love approaching 90, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Pass this along to your fellow seniors, I did.

Thanks Dick Marsh - our Colorado Agent

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Joe Roberts

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

Dr. Smith and Dr.Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read

Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives –thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.

Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.

Loons and Moons – forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Bob Turner

Thanks Margie Basile

thanks Margie Basile

A little boy asks his dad, 'What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! We call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People .

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about

what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Thanks Greg Grebe

A thought from Greg Grebe..

We're in a war against an unseen enemy.

Why do some people not see this?

Did you know what the first Saturday in May is about?

Evidently this is really a thing that our "Big" Sir celebrates!

Thanks Greg Grebe

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Thanks Bob Denison

Thanks anonymous

A bit of education for you this morning

Stimulus Package

It is a slow day in the small Kansas town of Pumphandle. Its streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt; everyone is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and places a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has been offering her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes over to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

Thanks to Dick Marsh

Thanks Dan Poulin

Thanks to Bob Basile

Thanks to Greg Grebe

Thanks to Margie Basile

Thanks Greg Grebe

Thanks Teri Jordan

Thanks Margie Basile

Thanks Dickie Marsh

Wonder where all that Costco TP went? Ask Greg Grebe!!!

Greg's Oval Office

WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

AMBIGUITY & IDIOSYNCRASIES

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,

AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE

HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "

WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH

HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,

IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING

AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?

ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,

DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT

TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE

DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD

ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER

PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY

AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,

DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,

WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED,

WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR

THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS"

INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE

CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE

ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,

DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',

THE DOGS CAN'T READ

AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

God Bless the Digital Age!

Text to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message from neighbor:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”! Ain’t technology great? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...

It's hard to say provocative things when most of our kids and leaders today

have a vocabulary based on vulgarity. These insults are from an era “before” the language

got boiled down to just repeating the same 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,

"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

“He had delusions of adequacy ."

-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read

many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book

I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter

saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;

bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Sir Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...

if there is one."

-Sir Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself;

he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope

without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...

for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

Christmas True Story

In early December, four of Santa's elves got sick.

When the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel some Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus mentioned that her Mother was coming to visit,

stressing Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, and found that three of them

were about to give birth and two others had gotten loose and were out,

Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began load-testing the sleigh,

one of the floorboards cracked;

the bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went back in the house for a cup of apple cider

and a shot of rum.

Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider

and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,

breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He got the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom

Just then the doorbell rang.

An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open,

only to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa'

Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this

You're welcome

The Genie, Bartender, Piano and a Duck

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, “What’s in the bag?” The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.

“Where on earth did you get that ?” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “Here Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.” Said the genie.

The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ?”

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

How many of these do you remember ????

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be shared with the “over 60 crowd” because the younger ones may not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…

PS...the author forgot one: "Eat your lima beans! People are starving in China!!"

1960 Hits Renamed

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include :

Herman's Hermits ---

Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---

A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last , but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Sad news from Minnesota.......

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs .Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins. Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this

please rise to the occasion and pass the link to this page

on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.

Mensa Convention

There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

And ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,

"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido:"Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather:"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A Senior trying to set password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case Character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot containpunctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Sing along at The Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....’

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite:

10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

SOME CADDY JOKES

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a Coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

After a long day on the golf course...

I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators." I'm old, tired, and I pee a lot.

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time

I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar which was only a couple blocks from the house.

I started him a Bud Light. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Corona, he didn't like it, so I drank it also.

It was the same with the Killians and Guiness Stout.

By the time we quit sampling whiskeys, I could hardly push his stroller back home.

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Rose. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Rose to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rose. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Rose was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

What's the difference between an old man and a young man?

Depends!

The Marriage Seminar

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Tim Horton's..
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled,"
   volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady!

“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"

said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement...

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully...

"Thank God we can all still drive."

The female gorilla at the zoo is in heat and

there is no male gorilla to take care of the matter.

The zoo keeper is a little concerned so he goes to Bubba

who is working as a janitor at the zoo and says

would you have sex with the female gorilla for $200.

Bubba thinks for while and says yes under 3 conditions.

1. I don't have to kiss her

2. You never tell anyone about it and

3. You give me a week to come up with the money.

A Romantic Interlude...

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote!!!.'

A TALE FROM THE OLD WEST

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.

THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING "HEY OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

An elderly couple in their 70's about to get married

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

"A Norwegian gentleman named Sven was on his deathbed taking his last few breaths when he noticed a wafting odor of something good and with his last ounce of energy crawled out of bed and crawled down the stairs into the kitchen and saw a plate of warm sugar cookies and he crawled over and reached up and grabbed a cookie and his wife smacked his hand and said "Sven stop! Those are for the funeral!"